Shit bands, fuck me they're everywhere!!

(this video clip is an example of the subject matter of this post, IT'S NOT ONE OF THE BANDS I WAS IN OK???)

My first band came together more or less the same day I had my kit when I was 12. My older brother Michael was already 6 months or so into learning guitar having moved from Organ. So the same day I sat at the kit, Mike and I jammed Billy Joel and Queen tunes, it was awesome for a young boy whose friends were outside on BMX bikes or indoors on ZX spectrums/Commador 64 playing Manic Miner and Jet Set Willy - the fucking brainless twats! (I say that because they took the piss out of me for learning drums)

It was pretty much from that point we had our first band, this consisted of mainly friends of Mike's from the area. We played only cover versions though. Mike was already writing tunes at this point though it wasn't until some years later we got to play anything resembling an original composition live or otherwise.

My first gig with this band came when I was 13, it was at a Halloween under 15s disco.

I felt like a rock star... And I was!!! There were groupies, dope was flying around backstage, the singer got a blow job while I was doing a drum solo and I had my first line of Charlie and I knew from that point that this was the life for me!

Ok ok, the last paragraph was a fabrication of totally smelly bullshit from my own imagination.

Over the years, I went from pop/rock bands to rock bands, to metal bands moving abroad to strange new Cities in foreign countries in hope of making a mark on the world music scene. Suffice as to say that never happened but I made some great friends and have some wonderful memories that I'll cherish forever.

Then came the inevitable move to caberet land!!! To make it sound credible, I had turned professional. In reality, I decided to play drums to make a living instead of getting one of them "day job" things you hear people talk about; It was a natural progression.

Over the next 10 years, I'd play summer seasons on various holiday parks, contracts on Ferries and do the rounds of theatres as well as the bread and butter "Tours" of Wales' social and working mens clubs. I played on albums and depped with as many as I could fit in. The criteria to be able to hold your own doing all these is higher than the spotty, arrogant, appothetic fucking teenager guitarist in a wanna be post grunge/Nu metal shower of fucking shit would ever be made to appreciate, and I care not to try.

In all, it was my apprentiship in music. What it all boils to is a firm understanding and appreciation of what makes a band work, or not! Whether it be a cover band or an orginal outfit, I can say with a degree of authority that I have come to understand and appreciate this through being in a lot of very good bands with very very gifted musicians. And needless to say, the opposite is true also... boy were some of them so down right bad I'd prefer to have a kidney removed to help Charles Manson live a few extra years than get in a rehearsal room with them again!

So why are so many bands on the circuit so absolutely downright shit that it defies comprehension? Have these people not cut their teeth much like I have? When you talk to them about it, they claim to have! I'm not even talking about kids with their black clad floppy fringe pursuits, I'm talking old school boyos; musicians that were supposedly "pro" back when I was just picking up my first pair of knitting needles - air drumming to Uptown Girl - in 1985.

Surely it cannot be Rocket Science to look introspectively at whatever band you're happen to be involved in and think, "what the fuck is wrong with this picture?" It could be the singer (it tends to be more often than not!!!) His lack of timing, pitch or ability to learn the words? It could be the guitarist who tends to abbreviate rhythm parts, his decision make his own solo up on Hotel California but go as far as learn the opening few lines. The Bassist who wants to slap on everything (that's not to say he CAN slap in the first place) or the drummer (the best 'til last) who rushes every fill, lacks dynamics, decent time and takes every song ending as it's the Armageddon and he wants to get one last DRUM SOLO in before meeting his maker? And most importantly, decides to do all these PISSED UP thus making the effect faaaaaar worse.

Or could it be a combination of all the above?

It is in my book for a lot of local pub bands about. But what gets me most, is that they don't realise it and even worse, actually think they are good!

In between Route 66 gigs and well, since I came home from Dubai in September, I have been trying to get out and see as many bands as I can. Quite a few of the local original metal bands are in fact very impressive. It's the "COVER CUNTS" as I'd like to refer to them for this post's sake that grip my shit. I'd rather not name names, not that it matters here really, but as there's a chance I might be asked to gig with them at some point, I don't wanna fuck my chances up of a dep. Oh yeah, I am true musical HARLOT!

I jammed with a band just yesterday, guys older than me and had been in bands since their teens. Well, all save the bassist who'd only decided that apart from Brick-Laying and fighting, he'd like to play bass at the age of 40! By 41 he's in his first gigging band. They called me up and asked if I'd dep as they've lost their drummer.... literally, they don't know where he is! So as they have some gigs coming up I said I'd dep until they found someone that could commit.

I arrived at the practice hall promptly on time. I was greeted by the singer who apparently my sister went to school with. He was lovely chap and pre warned me that "my voice is rough today" A worrying sign at a first meeting I fear I am sure all you experienced musos would concur! He felt rather proud that he owned a radio mic.... Not a Sennheiser/AKG/Beyer Dynamic all singing all Dancing, £1000+ endorsed by Phil-Tory Cunt-Collins bells and whistles affair, oh no!!! Just a plain Radio Mic the like you'd get from Maplin for £150. He referred to it as his "Pride and Joy" Then I met the bassist.

Imagine if you will, a Caveman around 50,000 BC, shaved.... in shorts and a vest.... with a bass. Except the Caveman would have been more intelligent. I knew I was in for a shit afternoon.

I set the drums up and the guitarist turned up with the PA (stands to reason that the singer doesn't own the PA, I felt like I had stepped back to 1990) He seemed ok, decent enough gear and an ok guy. In fact, they were all ok guys, just fucking woeful musicians. He tuned up using the 5th fret technique, no harmonics or chromatic tuner, the technique that's taught on lesson one of "play guitar prick-fashion" My eyes rolled to the back of my head and a laid back like a prostitute would with an old fat bald guy pumping and a sweating hoping it would be over sooner rather than later.

I played through the whole set within an hour. It consisted of songs by Snow Patrol, Stereophonics, Keiser Chiefs, Snow Patrol, Steroephonics, Foo Fighters, Snow Patrol, Steroephonics, Snow Patrol and more Snow Patrol with a little bit of Snow Patrol AND Steroephonics for good measure.... all played really badly with wrong chords, lyrics, structures. After each one they'd High Five and say shit like, "Hey that's sounded better than it ever has!" If I'd had a Magnum (not the Ice cream) I'd have painted the ceiling red with a hint of Brain.

After the running the set, the guitarist asks me, "So what do you think?"
"Boy it needs a LOT of work!" I said thinking quickly as to not say, "You all suck balls!"
After all, as nasty as I might be coming across here, I don't want to offend them; they were all nice guys and enjoyed what they did and I empathise with that so much. A lesson on "How not to be a fucking woeful band" they should learn, but I am not the one that wishes to teach them, I have better things to do! Not surprisingly he took my reply with a surprise, like he was expecting me to say, "Fuck me on a Bike wearing knickers, why haven't you been discovered yet???!!! I have won the musical Jackpot! I am going to take us places I fuck yee not! This is how Brian Epstine must have felt in the 60's!" So I had to elaborate and explain that over the last 15 years, I have been blessed with playing with some incredible players and fantastic people on and off stage, so I am spoilt. As a result, my musical bar as it were is very high. I probably came across like a arrogant prick which wouldn't be my wish in the slightest.

If only he knew what I really thought.

So bringing this to a close, I said I'd gig with them but I am hoping that I am busy on a night they call me for.

SHIT BANDS, STOP IT.. STOP IT THIS INSTANT. STOPPLAYINGNOTGOODSHIT!

I really tried to end this rant on a poignant note but after 20 minute wracking my brains, literal brutality was my only course.

-- Post From My iPhone