Helmut's Stag Do in London, during Gay Pride!!!

Dear Folks,

Having three days off between shows (until recently that was unbeknown to me but let's not dwell on that) I figured that I could attend Hemut's stag do in London on Saturday 4th that I had been invited to but thought at the time I couldn't attend because I had Route 66 shows in Scotland (or so I thought, but let's not dwell on that) Firstly. this is Clem Hannibal Helmurto

Yeah, I know he looks a bit scary but believe me when I say he's the nicest person in the world (with exception to Chilo, she's the nicest person in the Galaxy!) He's from Munich - Gemany but currently resides on these noble shores. Most of the year he's a piercer in Camden Town but by night, ...DAH DAH DAAAAGHN!!! (like them old horror movies) he performs with The Circus Of Horrors. His act is very much shock and awe, never mind that Yankee-blow the shit up and let's hope all the poor brown people will love us for it-bollocks, this is the real deal. He does the typical circus stuff like swallowing swords (incredibly difficult that is too) but he actually skewers himself through the face 4 times per night. If that's not enough, his Pièce de résistance is skewering himself through the back with two meat hooks and hanging from a ceiling. This, he assures me, is extremely painful and is exactly how it is. Because of the frailty of the skin on the back, he's limited to do this every other day needing time for it to heal.

And here's the holes in his back... ouch!

Anyway, here's Asia (pronounced "asha")

No, not the dude on the left, the dudette on the right. She's Hemut's fiancé. She too is in the Circus Of Horrors, certainly more for the eye candy appeal rather than any artistic contribution but she does a wee bit of Circus esque theatre for good measure. Namely hanging by her neck from a sward also from the Ceiling (what is it with these guys and their ceilings eh?) but I digress. She's Polish but you'd not know from talking with her. She's spent so long, over here, taking our jobs, council houses, place in the Chemist Queue WOAH, RIGHT WING STEVE... DOWN BOY (WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!) DOWN BOY AND DON'T COME OUT UNTIL TEA TIME!!! (there's a piece on local news about Indians and arranged marriages at 5 p.m.... can't wait!!!) Er, yeah Asia spent so long over here that her accent has mutated. When I first met her in 2007 she sounded Scottish to me, so there you go.

These two lovely folk are tying the knot on the 10th. I was very honoured to be invited to what looks like will be an amazing wedding (in a Cave... I shit yee not!) but gutted that I couldn't due to Route 66 being in Jersey that day. Anyway, as the Dundee and Dunoon dates were pulled from me without me knowing (DON'T DWELL ON IT STEVE!!!) I figured the least I could do it show up at his Stag do on the Saturday prior. So I called Haze (he's the old letchy rocker dude in that picture) to announce my attendance. He was chuffed I could make it.

So with ticket booked @£69 return (ouch) off to The Smog I was. 3 hours later I had arrived. The Stag do was planned at Covent Garden which is walking distance from London Paddington but with the time I had to get there, I elected to get a tube.

At Covent Garden, I was shocked to find loads and loads of, for want of a better term, freaks! I couldn't figure out the occasion but it was a carnival or something. Then it hit me, it's Gay Pride 2009. Oh my god, what a load of pretentious twats, dressed up like the display screen of a fucked computer blowing whistles and banging pots, pans and anything annoying to the average straight guy in a panic to get somewhere.. i.e. ME!

I was checking a map for a tube station, quite deeply distracted by it to notice one of these "look at me, I'm GAAAAAY" twats coming to my right. "BEEEEEP!!!" with his whistle right by my ear. "FUCKING HELL!!" I shouted and jumped up, with the shock I pushed a little bit out. "You stupid twat!" I said to him/her/it/what-the-fuck-ever-it-was. He looked at me like I was shit on his shoe. I mean, Seriously, if I was gay and proud of it, I wouldn't come here!!! I have at least 4 friends that come every year, they tell me about it and I think, "Meh, live and let live" But I am going to do my utmost to stay "to fuck away" from anything like this again. Fucking attention seeking cunts!

That aside, there was come really cool stage acts, performers and arty type stuff going. I highly recommend it! Shame I was in a hurry and couldn't hang about to smell the flowers.... there were lots of 'em.

After being submersed in Queens galore, I headed off to Shaftsbury Avenue. There I met Haze, Helmut and Co. Helmut was overjoyed to see me, he didn't know I was coming so it was a big surprise for him. He was a little disappointed more of Circus cast couldn't come for one reason or other so with Mongy, Haze and myself we were to represent The Lollypop Guild.... or Circus Of Horrors to be more precise.

Part of the night was to see a show. I knew nothing of it but went along with the plan. The show was called Avenue Q. As the lights went down, I asked Haze what it's all about, "It's a Puppet show! hahaha!" I laughed, thinking it was a joke as it usually is with Haze. The fucker was telling the truth, it was a puppet show! A stag do, at a puppet show. Woah hold on to your panty-hoes, it's party time! these guys really know how to rock! I sat there thinking, "what the fuck have I agreed to?" But I will say, that it was very cleverly done with some good music, albeit typical musical theatre stuff. There were plenty of laughs too.

BUT...

it's essentially Sesame street but with swearing a little bit of shagging.

Sesame Street

Shagging!

After the show I went off to a pub called The Intrepid Fox. It's a total Biker/Heavy Metal/Got pub. Mongy was almost not allowed in for being too smart. For those who know him and the way he dresses, will no doubt find this very funny. In the pub, Haze and I tried our hardest to get Helmut pissed, man that guy can take some beer! Anyway, I had the pleasure of meeting his friend. This friend was a Transvestite.

Here's one! In case you were wondering what they are.

I can't remember his/her name but he introduced himself something like this, "Hello I am Roxy, but you call call me Bernard if you want!" Which was funny if not confusing. During our very brief conversation I was to discover 3 surprising facts about Roxy, I mean, Bernard.. whatever! He's a trumpet player, ok not so weird. He's got a gorgeous super model looking girlfriend of some sort, jammy bastard and HOW?!? But here's the kicker, he's a Brain Surgeon! Now, put all four together and you'd have to admit, that's remarkable.

1. Tranny

2. Hot Misses

3. Plays trumpet

4. Brain Surgeon.

Just 3 and 4 are enough, could you think of anything as far removed?

After this, we ended up having to catch a bus to a club somewhere. No idea where but it was close to Central Point. After several more hours, Mongy almost ending up in a punch up with some pissed twat as well as getting his tiny cock out to show us that it's indeed "forked" through a Circus Accident. Eventually it was time to get out of there as it was approaching 5 am. We got a taxi which cost £36, it's London after all = more expensive because its better than anywhere else.

I was to stay at Haze's house in Wimbledon. His home is awesome, he's got one of them "It's a book case, oh wait a minute, pull this book and it opens up a secret room...ooooOOOH!" Only that this secret room happens to be his kitchen.

We sat and chatted for a while about erectile disfunction before I was shown my sleeping quarters and went to bed at around 6 am. I and was out of there by 10:30 to get the train home. A very enjoyable, memorable evening was had by all. Best wishes go to Helmut for the future, I'll no doubt see him in October for the Circus tour. Unless of course something unexpected happens.

Back to Route 66 in Port Talbot on Tuesday. The only date that is likely ever to be close enough for my parents to come and see. I hope I don't play like a twat.